... I've decided....
My hunt continues, because if I do not try to capture GRAE, if I do not try to fulfil my purpose, then what am I good for? I'll go outside as soon as my wounds have healed.
....
My hands hurt, and the hunger is driving me crazy. I fear going outside. A new scent has presented itself. A scent that begs me to react. It has infested my world.
I hunger.
Thursday, 27 October 2005
Tuesday, 25 October 2005
Crossroads
I've neglected this journal.
Too much has happened these few days, and I no longer know what my mission is.
My hands shake and I can't type too well. I won't bother to correct my spelling.
My hands are covered in bandages and they sting horribly. I don’t remember ever experiencing pain. My hands won't stop bleeding, the fabric is almost soaked through and I'm leaving bloody marks as I write.
I must go back three days to write down all that has happened.
Another kill was the reason for my most recent visit to Agent White’s house. We talked for a long time. He explained to me that GRAE has to be in the capitol, They had evidence. But when I asked to see the evidence, I was told that this were classified. Why?
I told White about the woman at the central station, describing her in detail, and told him about my reaction to her. White went silent and I realized, I was trying to read his mind, but he hid his thoughts from me. When he finally spoke he told me that I was too easily noticeable and that I had to disguise myself better. The next day White brought me to one of those hair-cutting shops.
The place reeked of chemicals and I felt slightly sick, getting dizzy. White gave the woman some instructions and she mixed liquids and powder in a plastic bowl, and then proceeded to cover my hair in it, telling me that it would colour my hair. She couldn‘t vouch for it’s durance, and talked in length about white hair not taking colour so well. I think I passed out. It felt like the chemical fumes ate away my brain.
When I resurfaced from oblivion, my hair was indeed coloured. It shone bright red as I looked at it in the mirror. The woman was going on about how cute it was that I had fallen asleep and that this colour was very trendy. I suspect that she was as surprised at the outcome as I was, and was trying to cover it up by being obscenely positive.
I couldn't stay there any longer, the smells returned and my lunges screamed for air. I quickly rose, mumbling a sort of thanks, and rushed outside into the open. White followed shortly after. I guess he paid for the service. He asked if I could manage and I told him the outside air helped.
We parted as he went home and I went hunting. Not much of a hunt though. I felt weak and ill, and the faint stench of chemicals still clung to my hair and clothes. Returning home, I think I've never felt as much of a failure as I did then.
The night ended, followed by day ,followed by night once more, and I realized (as I returned from another fruitless hunt) that I had no more food rations in my refrigerator. I felt hungry and chose to go to White's rather than waiting till the next day. I arrived late at his house. He hadn't replied the message I had sent by mobile phone, but that's happened before, so I thought none of it.
Just outside the door I could hear loud voices and noise, as if someone was fighting. I hurried inside and found a stranger hunched over White, who lay sprawled on floor. He was staring right at me, his eyes seeing nothing. I'm not sure if he was conscious.
I don't know why I didn't focus on the stranger sooner, but within mere seconds, she was standing on the terrace in the garden, closing the glass door. The stranger stopped, turned around and let me see her face clearly. It was the strange woman from the station. She was smiling at me. My reaction left much to be desired. It was as if I‘d forgotten every bit of training I ever had. I stormed to the door and smashed my hands through the thick glass, making the glistening shards rain down before the strangers feet. My bloody fingers grabbed hold of her collar. She simply laughed at me, laughed without making a sound. She was laughing inside my head. Her thoughts to me was just this "So very, very angry, aren't you? Calm down. You're nothing but a pet"
I felt the sting in my throat as she emptied the content of a syringe into my bloodstream. A feeling like an giant led wave came rushing over me. I remember fighting it with all my might, as I felt the burning sensation in my blood, blinking hard to stay focused and awake.
I lost the fight.
For a while the world grew dim. The sound of my name slowly brought me back and I woke curled up on the floor. Moving slowly, I tried to gain control of my limbs. I turned my head to the left and saw White lying not too far from me. He was whispering my name hoarsely. I crawled across the floor and sat up with some difficulty. White was looking very pale and the carpet beneath him was dark and wet. He started giving me instructions to where I could find a safe. He gave me the code and said something else. I'm not sure if I heard it correctly, but I think he said "There's no need for keeping it secret" and then he was still. It was as if a light went out in his eyes, they became empty.
How should I react to this. My hands were bloody and hurt like hell. I felt tired, and dizzy, and angry that this woman had done this to me and White. And there was something else. A sharp, but pleasant scent was itching in my nostrils. I felt hungry. Looking at the blood on the floor, touching it, I made it mix with my own blood. I tasted it.
Something rushed through me, an energy and a sudden realization, that what I've been living off of, was this. It had to have been human blood. I felt confused. I wanted to get out. Right away. But first, the safe.
---------------------------------------------
I'm now sitting with three files. One is labelled G.R.A.E, and the second is labelled M.I.S.T. The last one bears my own name; G.H.O.S.T
I have read my own file. I'm at a loss. I am like GRAE, no... I AM GRAE, in a sense. My genes are copies of his. The file clearly states that I am a copy, and my purpose of being is to retrieve GRAE. There is hundreds of pages filled with scientific language, and I don't understand them. The file on this M.I.S.T states exactly the same, a creature made of his genes. A soldier created to track down GRAE.
I have yet to read the file on GRAE. I need to rest first.
I need to think.
Too much has happened these few days, and I no longer know what my mission is.
My hands shake and I can't type too well. I won't bother to correct my spelling.
My hands are covered in bandages and they sting horribly. I don’t remember ever experiencing pain. My hands won't stop bleeding, the fabric is almost soaked through and I'm leaving bloody marks as I write.
I must go back three days to write down all that has happened.
Another kill was the reason for my most recent visit to Agent White’s house. We talked for a long time. He explained to me that GRAE has to be in the capitol, They had evidence. But when I asked to see the evidence, I was told that this were classified. Why?
I told White about the woman at the central station, describing her in detail, and told him about my reaction to her. White went silent and I realized, I was trying to read his mind, but he hid his thoughts from me. When he finally spoke he told me that I was too easily noticeable and that I had to disguise myself better. The next day White brought me to one of those hair-cutting shops.
The place reeked of chemicals and I felt slightly sick, getting dizzy. White gave the woman some instructions and she mixed liquids and powder in a plastic bowl, and then proceeded to cover my hair in it, telling me that it would colour my hair. She couldn‘t vouch for it’s durance, and talked in length about white hair not taking colour so well. I think I passed out. It felt like the chemical fumes ate away my brain.
When I resurfaced from oblivion, my hair was indeed coloured. It shone bright red as I looked at it in the mirror. The woman was going on about how cute it was that I had fallen asleep and that this colour was very trendy. I suspect that she was as surprised at the outcome as I was, and was trying to cover it up by being obscenely positive.
I couldn't stay there any longer, the smells returned and my lunges screamed for air. I quickly rose, mumbling a sort of thanks, and rushed outside into the open. White followed shortly after. I guess he paid for the service. He asked if I could manage and I told him the outside air helped.
We parted as he went home and I went hunting. Not much of a hunt though. I felt weak and ill, and the faint stench of chemicals still clung to my hair and clothes. Returning home, I think I've never felt as much of a failure as I did then.
The night ended, followed by day ,followed by night once more, and I realized (as I returned from another fruitless hunt) that I had no more food rations in my refrigerator. I felt hungry and chose to go to White's rather than waiting till the next day. I arrived late at his house. He hadn't replied the message I had sent by mobile phone, but that's happened before, so I thought none of it.
Just outside the door I could hear loud voices and noise, as if someone was fighting. I hurried inside and found a stranger hunched over White, who lay sprawled on floor. He was staring right at me, his eyes seeing nothing. I'm not sure if he was conscious.
I don't know why I didn't focus on the stranger sooner, but within mere seconds, she was standing on the terrace in the garden, closing the glass door. The stranger stopped, turned around and let me see her face clearly. It was the strange woman from the station. She was smiling at me. My reaction left much to be desired. It was as if I‘d forgotten every bit of training I ever had. I stormed to the door and smashed my hands through the thick glass, making the glistening shards rain down before the strangers feet. My bloody fingers grabbed hold of her collar. She simply laughed at me, laughed without making a sound. She was laughing inside my head. Her thoughts to me was just this "So very, very angry, aren't you? Calm down. You're nothing but a pet"
I felt the sting in my throat as she emptied the content of a syringe into my bloodstream. A feeling like an giant led wave came rushing over me. I remember fighting it with all my might, as I felt the burning sensation in my blood, blinking hard to stay focused and awake.
I lost the fight.
For a while the world grew dim. The sound of my name slowly brought me back and I woke curled up on the floor. Moving slowly, I tried to gain control of my limbs. I turned my head to the left and saw White lying not too far from me. He was whispering my name hoarsely. I crawled across the floor and sat up with some difficulty. White was looking very pale and the carpet beneath him was dark and wet. He started giving me instructions to where I could find a safe. He gave me the code and said something else. I'm not sure if I heard it correctly, but I think he said "There's no need for keeping it secret" and then he was still. It was as if a light went out in his eyes, they became empty.
How should I react to this. My hands were bloody and hurt like hell. I felt tired, and dizzy, and angry that this woman had done this to me and White. And there was something else. A sharp, but pleasant scent was itching in my nostrils. I felt hungry. Looking at the blood on the floor, touching it, I made it mix with my own blood. I tasted it.
Something rushed through me, an energy and a sudden realization, that what I've been living off of, was this. It had to have been human blood. I felt confused. I wanted to get out. Right away. But first, the safe.
---------------------------------------------
I'm now sitting with three files. One is labelled G.R.A.E, and the second is labelled M.I.S.T. The last one bears my own name; G.H.O.S.T
I have read my own file. I'm at a loss. I am like GRAE, no... I AM GRAE, in a sense. My genes are copies of his. The file clearly states that I am a copy, and my purpose of being is to retrieve GRAE. There is hundreds of pages filled with scientific language, and I don't understand them. The file on this M.I.S.T states exactly the same, a creature made of his genes. A soldier created to track down GRAE.
I have yet to read the file on GRAE. I need to rest first.
I need to think.
Tuesday, 18 October 2005
Strangers
It's raining. It suits my mood.
I realise now that I don't notice the people around me, as much as I did the first days outside. They smell, and make the same relentless noise, but somehow I have grown accustomed to it. I just don't bother with it anymore. No more need for the perfumed scarf.
Rain. I've never actually experienced rain before. It's beautiful. It cleanses the air, makes me wish I could somehow take deeper breaths. But somehow rain affects my mood. I guess it emphasises the feeling of failure.
Tonight, in a dark alley near a loud nightclub I saw a woman being ravaged. Thinking about it now, I believe I should have done something, but at the time I found it unimportant. She was crying and she saw me, even as she was trying to push the guy away. She saw me and pushed her mental pleas of rescue at me. I turned away, but the images stayed.
My reasons now seem wrong, but they are the only truth; I'm not here to save humanity from itself. I'm here to stop GRAE. He's an unnatural element in this world. A virus. A parasite.
I don't think I'll catch him alive.
Something strange occurred, as I walked through the centrals station tonight. A woman looked at me. That is not the strange thing, lots of people notice me. I look different. No, she only looked at me for a moment, from across the hall, and the oddest feeling came over me. So simple, so unnerving.
She felt wrong. I cannot say anything else, other than her only though to me was "white" and she thought it with such a strange mix of warmth, care and evil.
Evil... I'm not sure why I choose this word. She was there and then she wasn't.
I wish this train would go faster, I want to get home.
I realise now that I don't notice the people around me, as much as I did the first days outside. They smell, and make the same relentless noise, but somehow I have grown accustomed to it. I just don't bother with it anymore. No more need for the perfumed scarf.
Rain. I've never actually experienced rain before. It's beautiful. It cleanses the air, makes me wish I could somehow take deeper breaths. But somehow rain affects my mood. I guess it emphasises the feeling of failure.
Tonight, in a dark alley near a loud nightclub I saw a woman being ravaged. Thinking about it now, I believe I should have done something, but at the time I found it unimportant. She was crying and she saw me, even as she was trying to push the guy away. She saw me and pushed her mental pleas of rescue at me. I turned away, but the images stayed.
My reasons now seem wrong, but they are the only truth; I'm not here to save humanity from itself. I'm here to stop GRAE. He's an unnatural element in this world. A virus. A parasite.
I don't think I'll catch him alive.
Something strange occurred, as I walked through the centrals station tonight. A woman looked at me. That is not the strange thing, lots of people notice me. I look different. No, she only looked at me for a moment, from across the hall, and the oddest feeling came over me. So simple, so unnerving.
She felt wrong. I cannot say anything else, other than her only though to me was "white" and she thought it with such a strange mix of warmth, care and evil.
Evil... I'm not sure why I choose this word. She was there and then she wasn't.
I wish this train would go faster, I want to get home.
Sunday, 16 October 2005
No more
I was out all night yesterday. I'm not sure why I can't sniff him out. GRAE has turned out to be a much more difficult target than anticipated. I can't figure him out. He has no apparent pattern.
But I must catch him.
I was briefed about another kill. A young couple. Found drained, in an alley.
They do not say it, but I know They are disappointed with my lack of progress.
Maybe I spend too much time with White? Too much time on trying to learn?
I'm too self-absorbed, that must be the answer.
I won't go visit White tonight.
But I must catch him.
I was briefed about another kill. A young couple. Found drained, in an alley.
They do not say it, but I know They are disappointed with my lack of progress.
Maybe I spend too much time with White? Too much time on trying to learn?
I'm too self-absorbed, that must be the answer.
I won't go visit White tonight.
Sunday, 2 October 2005
Tea and chess
And once again I'm on the train.
I've been out for more than a week now and still not a single sign of GRAE.
I look up I an see the man who's monologue whisper is disturbing my concentration. I say monologue because he's sitting by himself.
I've spent a lot of time with White. He has taught me extremely much. Nothing wild, but just small, ordinary things that I need to know to function out here.
I finally understand how to use my credit-card, a great accomplishment in my opinion.
We've talked a lot, White and I. It turns out that he wants a more close connection, just like I do.
I now know that he's 41, never married, with no children, and that he never found time for it because of the job.
I guess he needs someone to share his thoughts with just like I do. He seems to find comfort in talking with me, even though I know so little about life.
He has taught me to play a game called chess. It didn't take me long to figure it out and I can beat him every time now. I don't though, I enjoy the game even though I can read his next move. I don't have to win. We play chess, listen to Tchaikovsky and drink tea. Actually a quite pleasant drink, even if it is a bit tame, and provides me nothing.
White says these activities is gentleman-like. I'm not sure what a gentleman is. I'll have to ask him tonight.
I've been out for more than a week now and still not a single sign of GRAE.
I look up I an see the man who's monologue whisper is disturbing my concentration. I say monologue because he's sitting by himself.
I've spent a lot of time with White. He has taught me extremely much. Nothing wild, but just small, ordinary things that I need to know to function out here.
I finally understand how to use my credit-card, a great accomplishment in my opinion.
We've talked a lot, White and I. It turns out that he wants a more close connection, just like I do.
I now know that he's 41, never married, with no children, and that he never found time for it because of the job.
I guess he needs someone to share his thoughts with just like I do. He seems to find comfort in talking with me, even though I know so little about life.
He has taught me to play a game called chess. It didn't take me long to figure it out and I can beat him every time now. I don't though, I enjoy the game even though I can read his next move. I don't have to win. We play chess, listen to Tchaikovsky and drink tea. Actually a quite pleasant drink, even if it is a bit tame, and provides me nothing.
White says these activities is gentleman-like. I'm not sure what a gentleman is. I'll have to ask him tonight.
Saturday, 1 October 2005
Phone calls
It's amazing that even with all the training I've had, all the things I've learned, I still know so very little.
White has given me a mobile phone so that he can always get in touch with me. I know all it's functions and it's the only phone I need.
Still my apartment has a stationary phone. I've never used it, but since White told me I need it to establish contact and relations to the Outside, I don't worry about it.
This morning this phone rang. I picked it up. Some lady, on the other end of the line, was asking to speak with the man of the house?
"I am he" I replied.
"Oh... Have you ever thought about trying our newspaper; Information?"
"Information? Why?"
I could hear her hesitate "Because we give you a different view of the world"
"Oh do you have special information in this... newspaper? Something I need?"
"Yes! We bring you the naked truth" she sounded like she was back on track.
Is the truth naked? Or Normally dressed? She confused me.
"I need information on where I can find GRAE" I told her.
"Yes" she replied.
Amazing, a paper that knew his whereabouts!
"Well, we have had an article on the gay community in Denmark"
"Gay?"
"Well... you know, the homosexual part of Danish society"
"H...homosexual?" It began to dawn on me, that she and I were talking about different things.
"Homosexual. When a person is attracted to his or her own sex. Look, you brought it up" She was angry with me now. She seemed embarrassed.
"No, I asked if you knew where GRAE is. G. R. A. E"
"Look, I don't know what a grae is. Perhaps you do not need our newspaper. Goodbye"
Why would a complete stranger call me to offer me something?
White has given me a mobile phone so that he can always get in touch with me. I know all it's functions and it's the only phone I need.
Still my apartment has a stationary phone. I've never used it, but since White told me I need it to establish contact and relations to the Outside, I don't worry about it.
This morning this phone rang. I picked it up. Some lady, on the other end of the line, was asking to speak with the man of the house?
"I am he" I replied.
"Oh... Have you ever thought about trying our newspaper; Information?"
"Information? Why?"
I could hear her hesitate "Because we give you a different view of the world"
"Oh do you have special information in this... newspaper? Something I need?"
"Yes! We bring you the naked truth" she sounded like she was back on track.
Is the truth naked? Or Normally dressed? She confused me.
"I need information on where I can find GRAE" I told her.
"Yes" she replied.
Amazing, a paper that knew his whereabouts!
"Well, we have had an article on the gay community in Denmark"
"Gay?"
"Well... you know, the homosexual part of Danish society"
"H...homosexual?" It began to dawn on me, that she and I were talking about different things.
"Homosexual. When a person is attracted to his or her own sex. Look, you brought it up" She was angry with me now. She seemed embarrassed.
"No, I asked if you knew where GRAE is. G. R. A. E"
"Look, I don't know what a grae is. Perhaps you do not need our newspaper. Goodbye"
Why would a complete stranger call me to offer me something?
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